Fifty ways to add confusion to dining halls

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.

2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.

3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.

4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"

5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.

7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then "involuntarily" drool.
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